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DAY 18
(2020)
part of my diary
Oct.2019
每個人都是個體心中的房東，一個人的心中從不僅限住一個人，而與現實不太一樣的是，決定誰成為房客是自己的意識。你是嘉賓，不論只是短暫的佇足便離去走向更遙遠的旅程，都願你保持善良，走向心之所嚮。而這裡的房間也永遠為你留著一盞光。
Everyone is the landlord of their heart, and the space of heart will never be limited to just one person. However, different from reality, our consciousness decides who can stay or leave. Dear guest, no matter you'd like to stay for a while or passing by, there will always be a room for you in my heart.
Sep.2019
終於回了老家，打開最後一道熟悉大門的鎖，我的貓站在傢俱高處看著我進門、深了懶腰、跳下、過來嗅嗅我的氣味，蹭蹭我的腳踝，小聲地說歡迎回來，再若無其事地轉身到角落繼續慵懶。一切如同過去的日常，我還是很難揣測貓的感情，她總是忽冷忽熱，在你熱情時對你狠，甚至在肉體上留下疤痕，但傷心的時候又默默坐到你旁邊，不發聲的陪著。「我只是當妳真正需要我的時候才會在」她酷酷地反駁我後又起身躲到不知道哪個紙箱裡午休。睜開雙眼，才發現我還是躺在相隔夢裡一萬里的宿舍，那剛剛是夢嗎？還是我學會了寵物溝通了呢⋯
Finally returned to my hometown and unlocked the last door lock of my house. My cat stood at the height of the furniture and watched me enter the room, it jumped down to the floor with a lazy way , came over and sniffed me then whispered," Welcome back." After that she turned to the corner. Everything is the same as the past, like I never left. I still have a hard time guessing the thoughts of her. She is cruel to me while I am enthusiastic, and even leaves scars on my body. "I'll only be there when you really need me." She refused me with a cool face, then hid in a carton. Opening my eyes, I realized that I was still lying in my accommodation in London. Was it just a dream? Or did I just learned how to speak cat language?
Sep.2019
對於多餘情感的褪去是好事，但為何感到悵然若失？那些投射的渴望轉化模糊，或許我還是可以依著慣性去付出，但卻再也得不到自我滿足。
It’s good to know that my extra feeling for you is fading, but why I feel so empty?
Those imaginations with you become blur, perhaps I might still share my love with this guy but just because I’m used to do it. However, I’m worried that I won’t feel the happiness again.
Sep.2019
我曾以為在人與人擁擠的訊息交流中會迷失自己的形狀，但或許一個人本來同時就具備多種面向，即便不自在也是一部分，無數個形態構織成多樣卻又獨一的樣貌。
I used to think I will lost myself when communicating with other people , but maybe one individual has multiple aspects at the same time. That’s part of it. Countless selfs have formed a diverse but unique look. Go dig more about our different aspects and try our best to accept all of them.
Oct.2019
其實日子也沒什麼變，畢竟後期本來就無對話了，只是有時會覺得自己是顆行屍走肉的花椰菜。
Oct.2019
曾經汲汲營營想找一個歸屬，但現在卻被迫努力適應一個人。想到大學時有位教授說過創作是孤獨的，如果要激發更多靈感的話，是不是也要把自己生活調到同個水平。
I used to eager to find a place to belong, but now I can only adapt myself to live alone.
I remember that one of my professors used to say “Creation comes from occasional solitude", if we want to be inspired, we should also adjust our life to the same level.
Nov.2019
又陷入自我懷疑的迴圈，雖然知道這是多數人必有的階段，但近期已頻繁到做什麼事都讓我分心。現在的我一定是妄想成為Zelda的Zoe。即便負面快將我吞噬，還是苟延殘喘地告訴自己振作：不夠耀眼就是不起眼。
I've fallen into a circle of self-doubt. Although I know that most people have this kind of problem, too. I've been distracted by what I've been doing recently. Now I must have the delusion of being Zoe’s Zelda. Even the negative emotion would swallow me in next second, I tried to pull myself together and said: Not bright enough is inconspicuous.
Oct.2019
「相信那盞綠燈，相信它代表極樂未來，雖然這個目標一年又一年地在眼前倒退。未來曾經從我們手中溜走，不過，無所謂---明天我們會跑得更快，手臂會伸得更長⋯總有那麼一天⋯我們仍奮力向前，即使像逆流的小船，不斷被湧浪推回過去。」—《大亨小傳》
Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter--tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther. And then one fine morning-- So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Dec.2019
這幾天關閉了社群軟體，以為這能讓重心回歸本我，因為改變不了他人對我的觀感，那些我嘗試更了解的總是話裡帶著稜角，走不進去，硬生生地被隔絕在外。即便多次的碰壁的確磨平了我的期待，但那莫可名狀的情緒還是會在無意識的狀況下襲來，我不知道如何將它排遣，又抗拒它深藏於內。它沒有重量、沒有輪廓，卻依然能紮實地感受到它存在。
有時候，我厭倦人們不停說著他們的大小事，我真的不在乎也不想回應，但或許我執著的人也是這樣定義我。人類的互動關係其實也是食物鏈吧，只差在個體可以同時扮演生產者跟消費者。
Trying to quit all the social media, and thinking that this might allow me being myself more, since I won’t have to change anything to please others.
I often hit a wall during the communications between those who I want to understand more. I can’t walk into their hearts either. Even if this kind of things keep happening really wear down my expectations, the inexplicable emotions would still strike me unconsciously. The mental pressure becomes physical, I don't know what to do with it.
Sometimes I get tired of people talking about themselves. I really don't care and don't want to respond, but maybe it’s the same for others. They might think me annoying as well. The interaction of human beings is actually like the food chain, the only different is an individual can be in the top of the food chain but also in the bottom.
Dec.2019
找到為自己快樂的方法後，就可以往心裡去了。
Jan.2020
也許我該選擇跟你一起浪費暖冬的午後，因為只有對你好像不需在乎回報，怎樣咬我或不理不睬我還是願意給予你我的全部。
Maybe I should choose to waste the summer afternoon with you, because only you seem to don’t need return.
No matter how you bite or ignore me, I still will see you as the love of my life.
Jan.2020
選前之夜在盧璽家的頂樓聊天，不經意抬頭看到一道藍點迅速劃破天際，稍縱即逝，一開始以為是那種led竹蜻蜓，但想想不對啊我面向的是沒有人的後山耶，還在困惑這平凡不過的夜空怎麼會看到流星，又這麼巧合的出現在我往天空看的瞬間。
「那我要來許願了！」
「你剛第一時間就要許了，都已經消失不靈了啦。」
「不會啊，我正在許的時候，它依舊在飛行，只是在我們看不到的另一頭！」
然後我的願望隔晚就實現了。
Oct.2019
一段關係裡好像努力將自己的意識灌輸給對方，但怎麼努力終究還是有塊填不了的區塊。甚至在給予的過程中忘記了自己的顏色，導致彼此都忘記原本的樣子，最後兩敗俱傷。
In a relationship, it seems that we’ve always want the partner to think or to be more like ourselves. However, the empty feeling still can’t be fulfilled. In the process of convincing, we even forgot who we are, which caused each other to forget their original appearances, and we both get lost in the relationship, and we hurt each other in the end.
Jan.2020
「成為自己的太陽，你就能當別人的光。」
Be your own sun, and you can shine for others.
Feb.2020
關於旅行幾乎是短短紮實的，即便我們誰都不歸屬任何城市，但這些暫留總讓我不由自主地將旅伴與異地連結，一起探索、一起收服，頓時那些無情的景色都富有意義。雖然從未開口問起他們是如何看待旅程，是否感到新鮮卻過眼雲煙？又或是跟紀念品一樣好好地珍藏？最希望的答案大概是：日後聽到這些一起走過的城市時也能把我記住。
None of our souls and spirits belong to any city. But through traveling with partners or friends, we explore the cities together. Suddenly, all those unfamiliar scenery become meaningful.
I never asked about how they felt about the journey. Did you feel excited at the moment but then never recall it? Or did you treasured it as a souvenir like me?
I guess all I want to hear is : These cities always remind me of you, and all our good old memories.
Feb.2020
趁還沒對自己陌生前，我改變心意要做一棵不再盲目迎合他人的仙人掌。
Before I became unfamiliar with myself, I changed my mind to be a cactus that no longer blindly caters to others.
Nov.2019
沈入海裡時僅看到水面的微光
但我沒餘力拍打游向
你是浮木
讓我抓起 又對世界抱有希望
汪洋大海 沒有方向
我渴望上岸
你說別慌 慢慢飄著總會抵達
剛獲新生的我 拿捏不了現況
自私地加重太多期望
不平衡的對話
成了另一次的悲況
我的負重讓自己再次沉下
這次你放棄再拉我一把
而是去尋找自己的故鄉
Seeing only the glimmering light of the water when sinking into the deep ocean. I’m too exhausted to escape.
You are like my personal driftwood.
I grabbed it and I felt that I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
In the center of the ocean without maps. I’m seeking for the land, longing to go ashore. You told me don’t be panic, we will always arrive somewhere slowly.
I was like a newly born, I can’t control myself but selfishly boosting too many expectations on you too much imbalanced conversations, which becaming another tragedy.
My own depression makes me sink again. But this time you gave me up and to leave me to find your own land.
Dec.2019 On my way.
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